I keep surprising myself with sadness. It’s not my thing – to be sad, down, unhappy. And this weekend, while I’ve been lifting Bubba into the bath, or talking on the phone quite normally, I’ve suddenly started sobbing. Sobbing, real sobbing. None of that graceful tears sliding down the face bullshit, heaving, sucking a breath only to be able to bawl again. I know that Alfie is gone, it’s real now, and I know he had a wonderful life and we were so lucky to have him at all – but the knowledge that I won’t see him snatching the last glance possible of me as I walk to the car with his nose pressed to the window in the back room, or that I won’t ruffle his glorious 1980s spiral perm chest hair again makes me so sad I’m nauseous.
But this weekend, amidst the sadness and whirlpool of grief, I’ve counted some blessings – because what else can you do?
Here they are:
- I have a sister who I can bawl and bawl to and she says all the right things and then bawls with me
- I have a friend who rang to leave me a message that was 90% her crying into the phone. I couldn’t call her back and she said that’s okay.
- I have a two-year-old daughter who takes her broken Mama and Papa by the hand and leads us in an intricate and elaborate Simon Says style dance-off, accompanied by her sweet singing of unrecognisable lyrics.
- We went to a wildlife park today, to lift our spirits, and the Viking hand-fed an ostrich that was taller than him and it was absurd and he smiled like I haven’t seen him smile in days
- I have friends who have dropped off flowers, cards and hot cross buns, sent texts, emails and comments that have truly softened the last few days
- I have a husband who has his own broken heart, yet manages to hold me tight when holding myself is just too much. He’s fucking amazing and, through some freakish crossing of paths – he’s my husband.
I am so lucky.
*thank you everyone who has been so wonderfully understanding.
*i typed this with one hand while holding Bubba while she watches Bubble Guppies. I’ve just realised she has been picking her nose and wiping it on my cardy the whole time.