Four weeks of singledom left


Four weeks from today I will be getting married to the Viking. I will be Mrs Viking, although I’m keeping my own name, so I guess I’ll remain Ms Fair-skinned-part-Maori-New-Zealander-living-in-Australia, it’s just so much easier that way.

Leading up to the public declaration of our devotion you may think I’ve been out living up my last ‘single’ days, kicking my heels up with the girls, knocking back the champers like an heiress. You’d be wrong. Very wrong. I’ve been living up these days with the odd Aquapilates session, where I pride myself on being, on average, 30 years younger than the other attendees. I’ve been stressing, ever so slightly, about the lack of a wedding dress four weeks out from the big day – I’m not staying awake thinking about it but I have rethought my ‘buy everything cheap from China’ approach to wedding planning. (The dress did arrive but was modelled on a 6 foot Barbie doll with a nipped in waist and hooters like 40 gallon drums). Oh, and I’ve been chasing around my surprisingly quick toddler, who has somehow gone from a baby to a proper little girl overnight.

Apart from the ill-fitting wedding dress, life is good. I’ve started working for an amazing woman who I randomly got in touch with and ended up meeting at one of her workshops. My new boss, Kylie Ryan, is a motivational coach, like Tony Robbins but far prettier and a bit shorter, and she helps women figure out why they struggle with their weight. I was put on to Kylie because she wanted to talk to a bride-to-be who was trying to lose weight for the wedding, we got on so well during our phone conversation that she invited me along to her seminar in Melbourne and after that I kind of nagged and nagged her until she let me work with her.

I love what Kylie does, it all makes sense to me. Dieting doesn’t work, not in the long-term, if you’ve ever done more than one diet you already know that, so she helps women figure out why they are making themselves overweight and shows them how to change that – forever. I’m not trying to spin you a marketing story here, I’m just truly really enthusiastic about what she does and about empowering women to stop beating themselves up because they don’t have Giselle’s thighs or Jen Hawkins’ stomach.

When you think about it, successful people have motivational coaches – elite athletes, top business people, clued-up celebs, why shouldn’t everyday people who have different but equally as valid issues? Kylie is going to do some coaching with me and I’m excited but a bit freaked out too, she’s warned me to have tissues on standby. I’m ready. I just don’t want my daughter to spend as much of her youth worrying about her weight as I did so I need to learn how to stop worrying myself. Stat.

If you’re interested in reading about some of the women who Kylie has helped or finding out a bit more you can go to the website: My Mind Coach

Should I be more worried about the dress dilemma or have you got a happy last minute wedding dress experience? Have you ever had any motivational coaching? Did Tony Robbins get you to walk on fire?


Back to a B cup


As I continue my weight-loss journey (I always feel so ‘reality TV’ when I refer to anything in my life as a ‘journey’), things are obviously on the shrink. If I could pick the points to decrease I would go for the old problem spots, but weight loss doesn’t work like that. Weight loss has a sick and twisted sense of humour and thinks going from apple-shaped to extreme pear-shaped is hilarious.

So now, my collarbone is definitely coming out to play, and I’m pleased about this, but the rate that my shoulders, décolletage and neck are shrinking are leaving my hips in the dust. But, some might be surprised to hear, I’m very pleased with the shrinking of my boobs. I’ve always been smaller on top and, over the years, have suffered my share of teasing from pervy old fellas, schoolkids and friends for it.

When I was breastfeeding I didn’t know what to do with my giant boobs. And, by common standards they probably weren’t even that giant, but on me they felt like huge shiny disco balls smooshed ineffectively into their maternity bra trappings. I’d never had to worry about wearing a low cut top in the past because my lack of cleavage was never going to offend anyone, but all of a sudden every time I bent down I felt like I was going to knock myself out. I kept losing half my toast down my top and I started using my rack as an actual rack, resting everything from cups of tea to the folded washing upon it. It was quite a novelty while it lasted.

I thought I’d love having big boobs but I really didn’t. In retrospect, I think my jealousy of my chesty friends was a bit unnecessary, sure huge breasts looked good on them, but on me I felt like I looked like a beach ball with a shrunken head on top.

So this weekend I picked up a couple of new b-cup bras and marvelled at the lack of spill over the tops. They’ll never put me on a wonderbra ad but I couldn’t care less. If you want more than a handful on me just squeeze below the waist.

*I just wanted to add that this is my ‘grass is always greener’ experience and not at all a criticism of big juicy bazoongas – they look squeezalicious on many a lady but just not on me. 

The Viking crumbles

On Saturday morning I woke up feeling less than ideal. In fact, I felt repulsive. It was like morning sickness on top of period pain on top of food poisoning. I had gastro. Although I wasn’t best pleased about the situation I was happy that it was the weekend and I could shut myself away at one end of the house, ensuring a clear path to the bathroom and wallow in my illness for a few hours without worrying about Mama duties.

The Viking sent his assistant, Alfie in to care for me while he looked after Bubba.

I emerged at about lunchtime, still feeling pretty dodgy and checked in on the family. Bubba was in fine form, rocking out to her new Wiggles guitar that plays such classics as ‘Wake up Geoff,’ and ‘Hot potato hot potato.’ The Viking, however, was looking a bit green around the gills.  [Read more…]

When fat goes thin – what not to say about someone’s weight loss

Yesterday I had lunch with some of my mothers’ group friends, one of whom I haven’t seen for a little while. This particular friend was effusive with her praise of my new, slightly more svelte physique. She was chucking compliments at me like snags on an Australia Day barbie (Happy Stray-ya Day btw). And I tell you what, I was LOVING it. I stood up to illustrate my recently re-acquired waist, and yes, I may have slipped into the elbows forward, collarbone out America’s Next Top Model ‘editorial’ pose for just a little moment. It’s second nature to me now. But it all took me back to the last time I lost a significant amount of weight and the way people reacted to it. It’s kind of an interesting social experiment.

My weight at the moment is not ideal, but I’ve been a lot heavier than this – and I’m not just talking about when I was 9 months pregnant. To say my weight yo-yos is really talking up the abilities of a yo-yo. It is a supersonic yo-yo, that flicks down from bloody great heights that paints an accurate picture of my weight history. [Read more…]

And now, we feast – a juicing recap

After 14 days of green smoothies and juiced beetroot, spinach, celery, apples, pineapples, ginger, lime and pretty much anything else that grows on a tree, I am back on the solids! So help me God my teeth have never danced so hard in my mouth as when I took my first bite of a tuna and avocado salad yesterday.

As you may know, I took part in the World’s Biggest Juice Detox which is a week of nothing chewy played out to the rumbling of 24,000 tummies around the world. And, as I blogged, I lost almost 5kgs in that week. Feeling very amped about the weight loss I thought, “I know – I’ll keep going!” and I ended up doing two weeks. I peaked on about day 9 and 10, I felt healthier than thou, glowing, energetic and light as a slightly curvaceous feather. [Read more…]


Hello from the top of Mount Smoothie! Oh yes, I’m feeling pretty amped. The Viking and I have successfully accomplished the World’s Biggest Juice Detox and yes, we did have a twenty minute conversation about which exact type of coffee the Viking would be ordering this morning.

So, before I do the big ‘how bloody much though?’ weight reveal, indulge me with a quick recap. Without tooting my horn too loudly, I think I probably coped with the week better than the Viking, and this is because he cares about food more than I do. He enjoys cooking, planning and eating food whereas my aim seems to be ‘get full eating the easiest and quickest thing I can find.’  [Read more…]

If it’s green – I’ll drink it

It is coming to the end of day four of my 7 day juice detox, and I’m pretty much Gwenyth Paltrow now. Okay, perhaps that’s a slight stretch, but I’m feeling good and I’m amped on smoothies. I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve had a few hunger pains, especially on day two when I made the fatal mistake of jumping on Twitter at dinnertime – there was a landslide of Masterchefesque meals being tweeted WITH PICTURES – which I felt obliged to check out. I don’t even eat red meat and the sound of a succulent beef cheek had my mouth watering.

But now that I’m an old hand and on day 4 (and hardly precocious or smug about it at all) I can honestly say that I’m really enjoying it – sure my tastebuds are so numbed by spinach and apples that a sip of lime juice hits me like a Pulp Fiction ‘I said GODDAM’ line of cocaine, but one takes their thrills where one can find them.  [Read more…]

Juice me baby

Today, I join hands with many, many people across the world who are starting their new year’s ‘healthy eating/lose weight’ resolution.

Facebook (the source of about 75% of my information – Twitter does the rest) tells me that many of my friends are launching into day one of their chosen plans. The most popular ones I’ve seen are the Ashy Bines bikini diet and the Michelle Bridges 12 week challenge. I considered them both, but because I think wearing a bikini is possibly too loftier goal at this point, and I wanted something that would give me a quicker kick-start than a 12 week challenge – I’m on the juice.  [Read more…]

2012 – It’s over between us

Happy after-Christmas, before New Year’s period! I hope the Chrissy comedown has been gentle. I had a funny tummy after about 3 litres of trifle but, on the plus side, spent a day in bed while Daddy-daycare took care of Bubba and Alfie and I snuggled our way through my trifle-troubles.

But now that 2012 is drawing to a close I thought it was a good time to see what I can remember about the year that has been. A blogger who writes at Kate on thin ice came up with the questions and invited other bloggers to give it a go. You can read Kate’s highs and lows here. I liked the idea, it was a bit like the friendship books of yore that I spent so much homework time filling out. So here’s mine: [Read more…]

A very Britney Christmas

I’m in a silly mood today, it’s the heady anticipation of presents and turkey galore, and a one-day break from the ‘clean living’ regime that will see me sucking back this trifle like nobody’s business.

But why is it a Britney Christmas? Because, for some reason, I’m in the mood to say “Merry Christmas Bitches!” to everyone I see. Inappropriate, rude, not-well-received. Oh Britney, this is the latest on a long list of bad influences you’ve had on me, it tops 1996 when you said cutting the feet off fishnets and putting your arms through the leg-holes made a delightful top. You let me down Brit, you really did. [Read more…]